There may come a point in your life when the road you have been traveling on becomes completely unfamiliar. So vast and vague that you feel lost and no matter how much you want to forge on – something feels like it’s holding you back. Something deep inside which longs to be acknowledged and freed so you can live fully.
I had dreams in the past few weeks were I was trying to walk somewhere and my legs were so heavy I couldn’t move them. I was holding on to trees, fences, and other objects just to help me move forward. It was like I was forcing myself to keep going no matter what . . . the story of my life. It had always been a gentle tug, a soft whisper, not loud enough for me to listen to until last week.
I found myself back in Hackensack hospital. I had woken up in the middle of the night disorientated with an unbearable pressure in my head pain causing blurred vision and dizziness, my breath was labored probably because it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. Numbness worked its way down my arms into my fingers and I felt like I had two weights as limbs - immoveable. My face was numb, my heart was racing, and my jaw was shaking, and a fire was rising up in my stomach causing extreme discomfort. That lasted for 3 hours from 1:30am until 4:30am.
I thought I was going to die, I was riddled with fear, and prayed over and over again for it to stop. It hasn’t completely stopped yet, but all tests are coming back negative- CAT scan, MRI, EEG, etc. The doctors said my brain looks great aside the hole where the tumor was.
What could be going on? I didn’t understand, and desperately wanted to. I told my neurosurgeon I was afraid to go to sleep for I might not wake-up in the morning. He looked at me and said "please rest knowing your health is fine physically, as for mentally I think you need help. "
Now I was totally confused. After a little more discussion I understood. He believes I have PTSD and anxiety. Could all of those physical symptoms come from anxiety . . . really!?! I found it so hard to believe at first, until I left for home and felt almost all the symptoms immediately come on again. So the answer is YES, YES, YES. Yes it can feel like your going to die, and yes it is scary, and yes there are things you can do to feel at peace.
I sat with the diagnosis and cried for a while. I guess I wanted to believe I dealt with a lot of my stuff over the years and brain surgery last year, but something more wants to be healed. Yoga, meditation, and neuroscuplting have helped me to function and heal but only to the degree I was willing to go in and meet myself. I realize now I was afraid to go all in. Well over the past few days that has changed. I have met some of my darkness head on, talked to my fears, and cried with my pain from years of holding in, stuffing it down and marching on. Some days it is too overwhelming, while other days I am able to maintain my grounding. This is a significant shift along my life’s journey: To touch the depth of my emotions and feelings that I have apparently buried alive, so deep inside.
The episodes vary and have lessened within the past week and the doctors are still running tests to rule out some other possible culprits. Either way I have finally affirmed the need to slow down, sit, and breathe.
Looking back I see all the times that I wanted to hide from what was grinding me down on the inside. Looking at Facebook, Instagram, over working, taking trainings and workshops, class after class, eating, biting my nails (back in the day that was my favorite), and really overall just being overly busy.
Throughout my life I have experienced some traumatic events; including some major events in the past 5 years. Not allowing myself time to be, heal and grieve has taken an affect on my whole being – mind, body, and soul.
My new greatest hope for all of us is that if you notice yourself numbing, using TV, over working, over exercising, spreading yourself too thin with commitments, reading books just to avoid interacting, obsessing about eating habits, or any other tool for escaping, . . . or even having difficulty breathing, organizing or changing your attitude . . . YOU TAKE A MOMENT. PAUSE. And, maybe, just maybe . . . Consider asking yourself the question: what is underneath this? What wants to be revealed? What is longing to be acknowledged? What am I avoiding?
My team and I are devising a plan for me to work through this for I cannot do it alone, I tried. It will include all healing modalities – nutrition, meditation, neurosculpting, source point, therapy, family, friends and community. I will keep you posted sharing my progress through this opportunity I am being presented with.